Dungeons and Dragons: A parody
by Pie Plunderer
Summary: Based on that movie we all know and I am ashamed of. Chapter 4 delayed because I cant remember where (or if) i saved it!
1. Little Rods and Big Dragons

Dungeons and Dragons: A parody  
  
By an outraged author  
  
Authors Note: Before you read this parody, be warned that is for people who did not like the movie. If you are reading this, and have liked the movie, close this window now.  
  
cue the crickets  
  
….thank you! Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 1: Little rods and Big Dragons  
  
Scene: A giant whirring machine is spinning wildly out of control. Note the monkish slaves in the background.  
  
"Yes, finally! That staff to control Red Dragons is mine!"  
  
Suddenly, the machine breaks and the rod flies in a bystander's eye.  
  
"Oops".  
  
A man in blue lipstick (who made this movie???) walks in.  
  
"Is everything according to plan?"  
  
"Yes, YES!...except for that poor chap there.  
  
"It burns…"  
  
"Yes well, we can't afford to lose another! This is strictly a low-budget movie! We can't have these dime-a-dozen mongrels wasted!"  
  
"I understand."  
  
The blue-lipstick man pries the rod from the man's eye.  
  
"Owwww."  
  
"Hand me the staff!"  
  
read last sentence  
  
"Perfect! Open the blast doors!"  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The Red Dragon gate thingy."  
  
"Of course…"  
  
The gate is opened. Note the menacing red dragon. If it wasn't for the staff, I wish the dragon would engulf the bastard in a rage of flames. But noooooo…  
  
"Yarg."  
  
"That's my Dragon???"  
  
"Like I told you…"  
  
"It's….not even a dragon! My cat is scarier than this little piece of shit.  
  
Squishes dragon  
  
"Sqeeeeeak!"  
  
"No wait!!"  
  
Like in the movie, the hall IS engulfed in flames. I would conjure up a halleluiah chorus, but it would the kill the dramatic tension (if any!)  
  
Scene: The rivers go completely nuts. Boats blow up, people go flying hundreds of feet, and cows burned to nothing. Two thieves watch from a bar.  
  
"Look at that. Must be another mage experiment."  
  
"I think they still need to learn that it's the blue little vial, not the red."  
  
"Or they think their brains are so big they can just magically read the instructions. Hell, a retarded fish could do the stuff they do!"  
  
"Hey, that could be us!"  
  
"A fish?"  
  
"No! We could climb that tower, even though it reaches into the atmosphere, and somehow get up there, like in that movie!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Thus begins an epic saga of name-calling and finger-pointing. Enjoy chapter 2 once it gets up. 


	2. The Saga Continues

Chapter 2: The Saga Continues  
  
Scene: An old man and his student are organizing books. Major yawn. I won't even dignify this opening with one little crack about the scene.  
  
Old man chanting  
  
"Gandalf, Hobbit, Baggins!"  
  
the magicks blow up in his face. He almost chokes (damn it!), but gets his act together.  
  
"Have you ever seen a scroll so hard to decode? I mean really! In the real D&D I would just have to cast a Read Magic spell. And if it didn't work, I just had to level up some! Damn this unofficial 4th edition D&D!"  
  
"But there is none teacher!"  
  
"I know, the director wanted the movie to be 'special', instead of 'normal' "  
  
"Makes sense."  
  
"Yes, yes, of course."  
  
  
  
The thieves enter the tower. They begin to search for goodies.  
  
"Oooo! A Dragon skeleton! I saw this in Gary Larson cartoon! The guy touches the skeleton, and it crumbles, and the sign 'says do not touch', yuk yuk yuk."  
  
"Man, you killed the joke!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Hey, look at this!"  
  
the thieves partner finds a little box.  
  
"No, don't press that!!!"  
  
(read last sentence. Now reverse the meaning.)  
  
roll tape  
  
"Hello, and welcome to a special presentation of Dungeons and Dragons, back to back to back!"  
  
"Noooooooooooo! Why?"  
  
the mage's assistant walks in.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Our savior!...We think."  
  
"What commoner would be so stupid as to enter this tower?"  
  
"Oh yeah, well what script writer would be so stupid as to put that kind of dialogue in this movie? Huh, huh? What do you have to say to that, eh?"  
  
suddenly, noises come from the downstairs.  
  
"C'mon!"  
  
the mage lady summons some vines and drags the thieves with her. They find the blue-lipstick man, the old guy, and about six guards in a room  
  
"Where's the scroll old man? If you don't tell me…"  
  
"No, not my buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!"  
  
"That was Shrek! Now where's the scroll?"  
  
the mage lady lets out a pathetic, note, PATHETIC whine of vain. Before the old man can warn her, the blue-lipstick guy crushes the old man's throat. Yeah! One down, eight to go! Ahem, sorry! Not much happens, and then they wind up in an alley  
  
"Uh-oh…"  
  
"Sic em!"  
  
A half-sober, normal height (human-wise), city-dwarf with a fake beard stumbles out  
  
"Grunt."  
  
"Grunt? That's our dwarf?"  
  
"Yes well…."  
  
"C'mon!"  
  
"No wait!"  
  
The dwarf drags the characters in the sewers. The flow of dirty water causes the characters to be knocked from wall to wall. All suffered massive head trauma, but are making a full recovery 


	3. Sobering up

Chapter 3: Sobering up  
  
"Oo, ah, oo, ah."  
  
"Great! My new mage gown is all ruined!"  
  
"My beard! Oh, God! My beard!"  
  
After being bumped around, they wind up outside  
  
"Owwww, I'm gonna pop by an Inn."  
  
"Bar for me!"  
  
They all go different directions  
  
The thieves go stealing, the dwarf goes drinking, and the mage lady goes shopping  
  
"Let's see, we raked in 12gp, 19sp, and 32cp! Not bad for a days work!"  
  
"Hello! How to you like my new gown?"  
  
"Fantastic!"  
  
But what he really thought was…  
  
Freak.  
  
"Hey where's that dwarf?"  
  
Scene: Bar. The dwarf is getting wasted like there's no next page of this parody.  
  
"So, then I says to the guy, eh! I wants me beard combed down! Ney!"  
  
The dwarf stumbles and falls in a deep coma  
  
"Nrrghhh……"  
  
"Oops, looks like were a tad late!"  
  
"Eh, just leave him. He was too out-of-character to begin with."  
  
"Agreed!"  
  
Scene: The characters stay in the bar. They begin to look over the scroll the old man had.  
  
"My dad was a merchant once. I saw him use this a few times, back when everything was 1st edition D&D."  
  
"Ha! Like a commoner would know how to use this!"  
  
"Let's see, he would do this with his hands, and would say, 'Hobbit, Ringwraith, Sauron!' "  
  
The thief gets sucked in the map. The mage lady does the same. Only the thief's partner is left  
  
"Whoa, I aint touching that thing! Just say no man! Just say no! "  
  
The dwarf wakes up  
  
"Owwww, my head…"  
  
"Hey little man!"  
  
"Ughhh, hangover….."  
  
The dwarf sobers up (a little) and they go wandering in the forest  
  
"Owwww, headache….."  
  
"Don't be such a wuss. You're a dwarf…sort of."  
  
Our protagonist's friend would insult the dwarf's beard, but that would be crossing the line and would unleash utter mayhem, as the dwarf would tear at his skull, leaving him half-brain dead and causing him to rock back in forth in his undies babbling random words until his life force came to an utter halt and-oops! Sorry about that! Back to the story…  
  
"Ohhhhh, it hurts……"  
  
"Oh fine! Here, let me roll the dice to see if you can get sobered up."  
  
If you would just read that last sentence, things would really hurry up, ya know?  
  
"Dats da point. I so hung over, the tingy for diffitculies must be astroniomical, ya knows?  
  
"Well let's see then."  
  
Rolls the D20  
  
"Well I'll damned! A perfect 20! Well my dwarven friend, it looks like we should going, now that you aren't all hung ov-oh sweet heavens above, please, PLEASE no!  
  
You guessed it! Our dwarf friend is about as hung as a coat on a rack! Okay, that was a really bad example, but you know what I mean, right?  
  
"Urgh…"  
  
The dwarf falls right out of the tree he was in. He lands face-down, but doesn't seem to mind much  
  
"Does this mean I have to carry you?" 


End file.
